The Associated Press - In a study published in the Harvard Medical Review of Thermodynamics, scientist John Jacob Salsbury has found that the human body is best insulated when wearing the flagship winter hat made by Southern California Based Tundra Gear. The human body loses 90% of its heat via the head. When subjects were wearing the Tundra Hat that number dropped drastically, moving down to approximately 4.5% of all lost body heat.
The title of Warmest Winter Hat on Earth excites Tundra Gear CEO/Founder Aras Baskauskas. "This is great, I mean really great. You know, at TundraGear.com, keeping people warm is a really big deal. And I'm excited to say that we now have scientific proof that says our hats keep people the warmest."
In a move typical of reactionary political bollywops, a small group in northern Maine is boycotting the hat and calling for a search for the missing body heat. "You can't just go from losing 90% of your body heat through your head to losing just 4.5% of it that way. Where did the other 85.5% go? Somebody better explain. This is rediculous. This is dangerous. Terrorists must be behind this." Said Clayton Fulbridge, president of the Reactionary Conservative Coalition, a group made up of 3 former government employees who were all laid off in the mid 90's. Clayton went on, "Just think about it. If a hat is that warm, whats going to happen to all the people who make a living off of giving medical attention to people suffering from frost bite? Where are those jobs going to go? Probably to immigrants, thats where. Damn immigrants are stealing our country."
When asked what this had to do with Tundra Gear hats, Clayton simply responded "Exactly."
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